I'm good, I promise

This episode explores my internal battle of trying to be a good person. Everyone tells you to strive to be kind and just, but no one really talks about the internal struggle when issues don't have a moral base. No one tells you how to navigate situations when the only guide you have is you, and how to be firm in your own intuition and discernment. Tune in and share fi you've ever experienced this. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Hey y'all, this is your girl Brianna Coleman, and this is the Divine Intervention Podcast where I make space and I try my best to learn how to take up that space. I'm here today with a segment that I've honestly been thinking on for a little minute and I'm really excited to get into it. I might do like a part one and a part two, just because in this particular particular topic, I feel like it's something I've dealt with for a very large portion of my life in trying to navigate it. And the name of this particular episode is I'm a good person. I promise. And the reason why I wanted to dive into that this episode is because for the past few episodes, you know, me and Rachel talked about um an ego death. And then me and Miss Monica came in and we talked about community. And I talked a little bit about the origins of a lot of my definitions for how I view myself, the way that I view the world. Why do I view so many things the way that I do? And it always takes me back to the Delta. And I think that the branches extend into the spaces that I'm in now because, of course, that little girl grew up, and I'm still learning how to navigate spaces and things with definitions that I honestly didn't even realize until I got to adulthood weren't that good for me. And so I'm excited to get into this episode because this series, I'm a good girl, I promise, or I'm a good person, I promise, is rooted in so much. It's rooted in this constant battle of wanting to be a good person. This this constant inner dialogue I have with myself where I'm thinking through things and I'm and I'm really sitting with myself, and I'm trying to be just, I'm trying to be kind, I'm trying to be all of these things that I was taught was the good thing to be. And recently I came to the realization that when you try so hard to be just one thing, you close out the wholeness of yourself. And I'm not saying this to say that I came to the realization to go out there and be a bad person. No, that is indeed not what I'm saying. But what I'm saying is that for so many years I was I was putting so much pressure on myself to be good that I wasn't realizing that I was beating myself up over things I had no control over, that I was constantly picking this ideal person over just allowing myself to be who I am. And the reason why I decided to record this episode today is because I was on my way home from work and I was thinking about how in my life I I really struggled with this idea of conflict as a little girl, and I felt like I feel like I I struggled with it because the way that I saw conflict be handled versus the way that I handle conflict is two completely different things, and it made me question myself. And it's because I've never been the type of person to like get heated. It's just it's it's not really in me. Um, I like to sit on stuff, I like to reflect, I like to think about it, I like to ask myself, well, why did this upset you? Are you mad at this person, or did this particular thing like why did it get under your skin? Is it something that you've been through, or is there an experience that you've had that they tapped into? Are they unraveling trauma that you didn't know was there, or memories that you tucked away and that you didn't want to remember? And is that why you're upset? Because I think a lot of times things can trigger us, and we're quick to want to attack the trigger, but not really realizing that emotional triggers are a way of your soul and yourself speaking to you. It's it's your way of it's your body's way of communicating with yourself, it's the way that your body lets you know that there's something wrong. And sometimes the wrong thing isn't always the other person, sometimes it's a nerve that they hit that you didn't even realize was there. And on my way home, I was I was thinking about how growing up, I always had this complicated relationship with conflict. And bringing this all the way back to like the times where I felt like I've gone through ego deaths or like this this idea of community. That I really held near and dear. And I think for me, in thinking of the phrase, I'm a good person, I promise. I was sitting at my desk one day and the phrase randomly came to my head, and it's because I think that especially growing up in the church, especially growing up in really being told that there is this, this, this kind, there's a way to be kind and just and be a good person. You want to be nice and you wanna, you know, whatever, whatever. But for me, whenever something ruffled my feathers, or even a person, or whenever something hit close to home, I sit on it for a minute. I ask myself, I'm like, journal a little bit on it, like why is that bothering you? And then depending on the way that I weigh, some of very big pros and cons. I weigh stuff, I overthinker. That's how we got to this podcast, just gonna be honest, and then from there, I kind of go in the process of like, well, if this is a person that you really care about, are you gonna approach them and try to talk about it? Or do you feel like this isn't particularly something that's important enough to do that? I I go through a whole mental process, it's it's like a whole thing or whatever. And I quickly came to the realization that the reason why I always struggle with this idea of being a good person, is because throughout my life, most of my conflicts, like blood and heads with people, um, or just being upset about something, I found that normally it is when someone has put me into a box, or when, and I'm trying to find the best words to say this, it's normally when there's a role that I'm expected to play, and when I wouldn't or when I didn't just play the role, that's when the conflict came. And with the type of person that I am with conflict, the way that I approach most things, most ideas, is that I'm not really one to argue too much, especially if we're talking about something and it's clear that I have my stance and you have your stance. Like we could probably exchange ideas to help each other understand why we view life and why we view things the way that we do. But I've always been really big on, I don't particularly push really hard because I understand that stance has come from experience, and there may be an experience that someone had or something that they have come in contact with that has led them to think in the way that they do. And I try my best to always be respectful of each and everyone's beliefs and ideas and the way that they navigate life. Because at the end of the day, you know, our experiences are kind of all of our guidebooks, it's kind of how our souls define things, it's how we figure things out. It goes back to those initial definitions, the way that we view things is typically based off of past experience, um, or like that inner first community, what you were taught. It's kind of the way that you navigate situations. And for me, in conflict, the reason why it would always be so hard for me is because there was always a part of me that just wanted to fix it. Like I said in like the first episode, I had to I had this realization at the end of 2025 that I'm a fixer. I I try really hard to fix things. I try to make it better. And I quickly realized, especially with me in relationships and dynamics in life, I started to treat fixing things like it was my responsibility. I started to treat fixing things like relationships, encounters, conversations like they aren't two people instead of one. I treated it like what is there that I can do to fix this, and it came from this deep rooted belief that I was broken and that I was a problem, and that it was my job to make things better, which is a long stream line of that's background context for another episode, but getting back to the topic. So when I found myself in conflict immediately, my brain would tell myself, fix it. You can fix it. And my mind didn't really leave space for the reality or the the truth in the fact that for one, conflict has to happen, but for two, not all conflict is meant to be solved. Some conflict, like me and Miss Monica talked about in the community episode, some conflict is to steer you and other people on different paths, and sometimes you'll come back and you'll meet each other, and you know things will work out smooth, whatever. And sometimes conflict is just to place you, you know, where you're meant to be. But the reason why I was so excited to get into this idea of I'm a good person, I promise, is because when you're operating off of this need to be good, it shuts out space for you to just exist. It shuts out space for you to just be you, it shuts out space for you to be messy and not put together in all over the place. When when you create this idea of of being a good person, it cuts out your wholeness. And I think that these past few months I've kind of just been leaning more into this idea that you aren't just one thing. And that striving to be a good person is a good thing, but at the same time you have to allow yourself to exist within all that you are. And you're gonna make mistakes, and you're gonna slip up. Sometimes stuff is gonna be wrong. And some stuff you won't even realize that it was wrong until months, days, sometimes years later. But that that doesn't take away from your work or your value or the fact that you try because the simple fact that you wake up and you try means that you are a good person. The fact that you ask yourself, the fact that you the fact that it's something that's even on your mind is a sign that you're in the right direction. And I think the reason why it's also been at the forefront of my brain is because especially seeing conversations on like people talk about people pleasing, or or I'm trying to let my mind reflect on like social media topics. I guess I'll just land on people pleasing. And when I say good, I don't even mean good, I can't make mistakes. I mean good. If I make mistakes, I don't mind apologizing. I've always kind of been like that. But the friction for me would get to the when you apologize and things don't smooth over the way that you thought they were gonna smooth over. Like honestly, just when in life, things don't go the way that you're told they're supposed to go when you're a good person, which is crazy to say because life is life, but it's taken me a long time to accept that in this life you kind of gotta learn how to let things be, and you gotta accept things as they come. I saw a post the other day on Instagram, and I actually reposted it, and I laughed when I saw it, and I did because the post literally said me when I realized that I don't have to keep reminding myself of the mistake that I made, and I can just choose to forgive myself and just you know put it behind me. And I laughed when I saw it because, like I said, I'm a really big overthinker. I would sit on situations, I would think about it. I'd be like, Well, what could you have done better? What do you know how to do for next time? How can you this? How can you that? But even taking it a step further when you get in a similar situation, you're already prepared. Like you strapped up, you in conflict resolution mode before conflict even happened, you trying to resolve it. And the past few months really made me realize that there are so many situations, there's so many spaces, there's so many things that I navigated with the assumption or with the idea that I had the tool set to handle it now. That I went through that, so I wouldn't have to go through conflicts again, or or I had this particular experience. So moving forward, I have the exact tool set. And the past couple of months have taught me it don't matter what tool set you got, every situation is different, every person is different, it's not all gonna go the same. Sometimes the conflict is gonna happen, it's not gonna get resolved, sometimes it might get resolved, sometimes years may pass and it gets resolved. Life is life, life be life. And in the midst of all of it, it doesn't take away from you waking up every day and you trying. Because I always felt like when I did have a problem or when I did have a like a conflict or something, like I would speak up or I would say something, or whatever, whatever. So in my head, I was like, why is this bothering you? And I feel like it's because in the conversation of people pleasing, a lot of times people don't talk about what happens when you are an easy-going person, not particularly a people pleaser. You may just be a little laid back, you know. I'm kind of indifferent about a lot of things. My mama always called me nonchalant. I'm very nonchalant about a lot of stuff. Like, I really don't be caring, but there are like the things that I do care about, I'm very particular about. Everything was cool until I wasn't in alignment with the program, or I wasn't in alignment with who someone felt like I was supposed to be, or who the role it goes back to the role that you're expected to play. And I honestly I can I can take this back to Rachel. There was this experience um in the program, and she talked a little bit about roles, and I I've never resonated with someone more because she said I came in, and I wasn't operating the way that people was used to me operating, and I was met with what was going on with you, and when she said it, I I resonated so hard because also in this idea of I'm good or I'm a good person, I promise, is that when people get used to the consistency of you being accommodating, even when the stuff that you were accommodating for previously isn't really a big deal. Like I said, I'm nonchalant, not a lot of stuff I really care about until we get to the stuff that I care about. Um when people get used to a role, it's almost like that is your title. That's that's what you're expected to show up as over and over and over again. It doesn't, it doesn't, in this idea of being a good person, I think it starts with the self and asking yourself, are you a good person? And it can go into so many different branches. Like I said, um, but in this idea of navigating people, and when people get used to a role that they define in a certain way, that they associate with certain things. And I a lot of times growing up, I felt like being like the straight A kid who didn't really get into trouble. Love books like being outside, really went into too many crazy things. It just I was kind of just chilling, if I'm gonna be honest with you. There's a role that comes with that, and there is well, I'll put it like this it's a role that society gives you with that, and there's an expectation list, and when you start to veer outside of that expectation list, there are so many times where I've had people walk up to me, and it's like uh, well, you need to fix this, or it's like, well, why are you acting this way? Or what is this? Or I wouldn't have expected this from you, or well, what is that? And I'm stuck because in my head, I'm like, who told you to expect any of what you're listening? Like, I've only had like two conversations with you. You don't know me enough to act as though you know who I am or what I would do, but it goes back to those roles, it goes back to when people get used to the output of a certain thing. I'll never forget a session. I was a facilitator, I was a youth facilitator, and this was a weekend when I just I wasn't particularly my peppyest, like I just I was kind of just mellowed. Um, I'm trying to think, I don't trying to go through my memories. There wasn't really anything wrong with me. I was just a little laid back, like I just I wasn't talking much. And a lot of people walked up to me now early, just like, are you okay? And I'm like, Yeah, I'm fine. I was like, I just I don't really feel like talking. Like I'm I'm I'm kind of just enjoying the space. Um, because I have this thing where sometimes I go mute and I'm I'm taking in the scenery and I'm enjoying being around people, but I just don't have the the the energy to like engage, but I'm here and I'm present because I'm the type of person if I if I didn't want to be here, I I wouldn't have came. Um and I remember a part of me was just I was just like, oh my gosh, but it it reminded me of like when people are used to, and it's not even anything against anybody in the space because I also feel like it speaks to the way that they were used to me showing up. It's like you're something's off here, something's different. Come most definitely coming from a place of love. Um, but it just even memories like those, or just I've had so many instances where the conversation would always just go back to you're not doing what I would expect you to do, or you're not on brand. And there are some times when, you know, coming from a place of love, community checking on their people, they just like, hey, look, some a little off, everything good over there. But there are some times, and there have been some times when it's definitely been very frustrating for me, and it definitely made me question me. It made me ask myself, like, you what's going on? And I like I said, I'm the type of person, I reflect, I have journal after journal after journal. All I do is write, read, voice memo to my friends, like they'll get a cool 10 minutes. Um, and for a minute, it it took me a while to really, whenever I was in situations or conflict, or whenever I would be approached, I would have to go back and I would have to sit with myself. Like I would want silence to sit with myself, to ask myself, is that is this particular thing you're doing you like do you want to do it? And I would have to go into like I call it my cocoon mode. Like I go in a cocoon and it's like uh uh you know how your iPhone starts to act a little crazy, you gotta restart it. I go into a cocoon and I I sit with myself, I sit in silence, I really sit with myself to figure out and I check with myself. I'm like, Bree, is everything good? Like, are you good? And I really had to come to the conclusion, especially in my earlier years of college, in that stage of branching out and finding yourself and figuring out like who who am I? Um what do I like? What is me and what's not me? And I remember coming out of a cocoon phase because I go in them every now and then when I need clarity, when I need understanding, when I need that time with myself to figure out like what's going on. Like, why do you like I said to me, triggers, emotional things is signs to me. It's like there's there's something you are speaking to you, your body trying to let you know that you know it needs attention. And I'll end the episode with this. I felt like I had to come could come to the conclusion that after I was sick, that if I was okay with it, and I could close my eyes at night and I could look myself in the mirror, and I was fine with it, then that's all that matters. That as long as when I meditate or when I pray or when I talk to God or when I journal, or when I'm alone by myself, because that's something that's really important to me. I'm the type of person that when I sit by myself, I am completely fine being in solitude, but I'm really big on when you sit in with yourself, are you at peace or is something bothering you? And I had to come to the conclusion that even with this idea of being a good person, that if I was at peace and I was okay with it, then I am. And so that kind of concludes for this episode. I want to thank everybody for listening, especially if you stayed this long. I know I I yapped a little bit today. But yeah, thanks for joining me. And I'll see you in the next one.