just breathe

In this episode, I discuss constantly being in fight or flight mode and the impact it has on my body. I share experiences in college that made me realize how my body was responding to what my mind was trying to ignore and a few things I am doing now to help calm my nervous system. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Hey y'all. This is your girl Breonna and this is the Divine Intelligence Podcast where I try my best to make space and learn how to take up that space.

SPEAKER_00 0:18

I'm back because I was giving myself a break.

SPEAKER_01 0:25

And then I reminded myself that the reason why I created the podcast space in the first place is so that I can have an outlet to express myself and how I feel about life and how's it how it's going and where my head is at. And I don't really need a break from myself. So I wanted to share something today that has been on my mind for a while. And after episode one, two, three, and they kept coming, I realized that I'm not gonna say that I was avoiding the topic, but that it hits very close to home because for one, it's a little, it was embarrassing when I realized it. Very embarrassing. Um but for two, because it requires a level of vulnerability that I wasn't sure that I was at the place to be able to give, to be able to have the honest, open conversation that's required to share what I'm about to share. And around my senior year of college, I basically realized that well, I'll back up and I'll get to the story. My senior year of college, I was very overwhelmed, had a lot of things going on, and like always, I was fully convincing myself that you're okay and you have things under control, and that word control, I don't mean therapy. Me and me and my therapists go back and forth about the word control because it's something that I'm learning how to release, and I guess that's the theme of this episode is releasing, because in my senior year, I started to realize that I was having problems with my bladder. I could not hold anything, I I couldn't hold anything, and between everything that was going on, that just added another layer of stress, and it took me some time to realize because I was going to the doctor and I was asking the doctor, I'm like, Look, what is wrong with me? And the doctor is like, Well, we don't see anything, like everything, everything down here looks fine. Like, is it a mental thing? Like, what's going on? And there have been plenty of times. Um, I remember even when I was younger, when I would go to the doctor for things, and the doctor would in so many words be like, girl, on our end, it's fine. Like, we don't see nothing as off. So either you're lying or like this is not connected to anything that got anything to do with us. Um, and so through my senior year, I was kind of juggling the things that I was juggling, but I was also realizing that okay, I am having problems holding, like I just am, just being transparent as a woman. I was having problems. And it was embarrassing for me because for one, in my head, I was like, girl, you are 22. You ain't even at the age yet to where you you you ain't even at the age to have problems holding it. Like, what's what's going on? What's what's the deal? Like what conversation brie debris. What is going on with you? And I went through a lot, I went through a lot of different things. I was like, is it my clothes? Are my clothes too tight? I was like, is it, is it, what is it? I was like, am I drinking too much? Am I which the ultimate answer that I realized on a personal level was that the reason why I cannot hold anything is because I was walking around and I was constantly holding. And it took a little bit of personal research, of reading, of women's articles and and and videos, and because I kept trying to figure out like whose story am I resonating with? Who who do I feel seen in? Um, who is experiencing things that sound similar to what I'm dealing with. And I started finding articles that talked about how you know, with your pelvic floor, if you are constantly holding, or you're you're you're always tense, that when it's time for those muscles to tense to, you know, do what you asking them to do, they're basically letting you know, look, Suspirl, you have already used all of our energy. Like we ain't got nothing else to give you. So either find a toilet or it it's a wrap. Like we don't really know what to say to you. Um, and that was when I realized that I was basically walking around everywhere, always pince. My nervous system was shot. Which isn't something that was new to me. I've always struggled with my nerves. I've always struggled calming myself, which is how I ended up into mental health and and and all of the things. It's because I know what it's like to struggle with emotional regulation, figuring out what's wrong with you, because when you get so used to thinking that there's just nothing wrong, and you start to tell yourself that there's nothing wrong, your body starts to carry what you won't seem to accept because whether you accept it or not, it feels it. After the second or third time of running to the bathroom and it not necessarily working, like I said, y'all, it was very embarrassing time period. And in my head, all I could think is your 22. Like, what is going on?

SPEAKER_00 6:54

And then it took me a minute to even realize what was wrong because I was so caught up in the shame that I I wasn't even sure how to start looking for what could possibly be wrong. Saying that the same, I had to start reminding myself, which is a crazy thing.

SPEAKER_01 7:29

It's like I could I could be randomly sitting somewhere minded my business, and the fight or flight mode would be so bad that I'm just tense. I was I was walking around, y'all, tensed up like somebody was just gonna come out of the boom and punch me. Like that that's the way that I was like going through life. Like I was going through life like I was fully prepared for for a blow. Um since my senior year, of course, I've worked on it. It's it's gotten better. I do still have to remind myself to not be so tense. I wear a lot of looser fabrics, looser clothes, loose things in general. And I constantly have to remind myself when I'm sitting somewhere to just relax.

SPEAKER_00 8:25

Like don't think about anything.

SPEAKER_01 8:33

Don't just don't just sit there, which is really hard to do when you're a busy body. That's that's actually a very hard thing to do. Um but I also want to say that to connect it to me in the present because since I've moved to Little Rock, something that I've noticed about myself, and I'm all I was when I was in the process of moving, y'all. So I basically drove a uh a U-Haul with my car attached to the back, um, which was a very interesting experience. I had it turned a four-hour drive into a six-hour drive, so I had nothing but me time, and I couldn't go fast. I I couldn't go fast because my car was on the back. I couldn't go faster than like 55. But like I just shared, uh I have anxiety, so I experienced anxiety. That's better. So I didn't even want to get to 55. I was just going 50. I was like, I don't even want to find out what happens if I hit the 55 mark because I'm the type of person, the music starts feeling a little too good. Next thing I know, I'm pushing 65. I don't have time for that. I don't have time for that. Um, and I had nothing but time with myself. Time to think, and time where I had no choice but to go absolutely slow. When I tell y'all, I started noticing stuff between Mississippi and Arkansas that that was probably my second or third time taking the drive. I started noticing things that I was not noticing at first. I was like, oh, that's a very nice creek. I didn't even know that that was there. I was like, oh, that's a nice flower. This is a nice tree. Cars were just flying past me, and I would just be like, oh, that's a pretty color car. I'm I'm just here frolicking. It was it actually was very nice, if I'm gonna be honest. Um and so yeah, and I think since I've gotten to Little Rock, I've been trying to really sit with myself, and which is why I took a step back from the podcast and from a lot of things, because I guess I just wanted to check back face at home, and to me, home is like within me, it's me. And I realized a couple of things. I realized that for one, I was having a conversation with a young lady, and I always love talking to her because she's so sweet, she's so bubbly, and the conversations always they always kind of ground me because they show me that you know there's there's somebody else that they view things in a similar somewhat way. And I remember talking to her about how I had a really bad habit of allowing things that just were not that big of a deal to just be a big deal. I think one of the one of the biggest things I'm learning is that most stuff, if you just stop worrying about it, it'll literally just work itself out. Like everything will just fall into place. And someone's probably listening to this and going, well, duh, Brie. Well, I did not know that. It it took me until now to figure that out. And I'm actually very happy because at least I figured it out at 23. There's some people that it takes them a lot longer to figure it out figure it out. So if you're listening to this, the thing that you're worrying about, just let it go. It's probably not even that big of a deal. It's probably not even that big of a deal. But I think that in the midst of learning how to release, I had to learn the steps of for one, acknowledging that something is bothering you and that it it probably did hurt your feelings or it did sit wrong in your spirit. Um, because I noticed that I was I was skipping that step a lot. I would skip that step and I would just go straight to the let's just find a solution. And when you skip it, you're for one not acknowledging you and how you feel and where your head is at and acknowledging your feelings about something. And you deserve that space and you need that space.

SPEAKER_00 13:03

Um, and it's dangerous to skip over giving yourself that.

SPEAKER_01 13:14

I feel like when you're young, everything just feels like it's the end of the world because you know, those are kind of the biggest problems to you that you faced at this time. So it's just it just feels like a really big deal. I wish I could say that I knew a solution. I really don't. That's also something I'm learning, is that I don't have to find a solution. Isn't that lovely? I realized that the other day. I was like, girl, look at you, you grow so much, I'm proud of you.

SPEAKER_00 13:43

But yeah, just taking things one day at a time.

SPEAKER_01 13:50

It's really all you can do. Don't mind my lighter, I'm lighting sage. But yes, I just wanted to share quick story time, been telling where I am now. I think I'm also learning how to balance life and work. I think that I was one of those people that whenever I would read my horoscope bring up, I would always get irritated because I'll be like, I don't resonate with this. And I feel like I've gotten back to like reading my horoscope all the time because I've gotten into like astrology and whatnot. And I'm realizing that the more that I read my horoscope, the more that I realize that you know, it'd be it it it actually eats me up a little bit because I'm Capricorn. Capricorn Capricorns are known for being stubborn um because it's the goat, but it's also known for being very hardworking, and I've also learned that since I'm someone that I find a lot of my purpose through work, I really have to be on myself about managing how much I'm working. Um I really have to be on myself about making sure that I'm not over working or that when I'm resting, I'm not still technically working because my mind is on work, which is a lesson in and of itself. Y'all, I've really just been hoping and praying that because I'm doing this work early, that I get to like kick it in my 30s. That's that's really what I'm hoping. Fingers crossed, I'll let y'all know how that goes. I plan on still having this going by then, so you know I can feel y'all in on that. But that's kind of where I am. That's what I'm learning. I have a couple of other things because, like I said, even though technically I've been taking a break, my journal is now packed with everything that I was thinking about while I was technically taking a break. So, with that being said, I hope you have a blessed day. Drink water, learn how to release, don't be walking around tensed up, y'all. Take a couple deep breaths, do some breathing exercises, do yoga. Oh, I'll also have to add that in. My yoga journey, guys. I wasn't able to fully finish getting trained as a yoga instructor before I left Jackson. But that, I don't know what was in that. That was a great time. I loved doing yoga. My nervous system was very thankful to me after that. But yeah, do some yoga, drink some water, go buy a new journal, and go tell somebody that you love them. Thanks for joining me today, and I'll see you in the next one.