what does it mean to be authentically me?

In this episode, I go into a deep reflection of the past two months. After sitting with myself, I wanted May to reflect abundance and prosperity, and I found  myself having to confront what these words mean to me. I was viewing them on a more superficial level rather than the ways I’m truly blessed.

 In the month of June, I wanted to focus on authenticity and attraction. I found myself in deep reflection of what it means to be authentically myself while also balancing a new chapter of my life that requires me to redefine what that means. I’m learning how to be authentic while also acknowledging that doesn’t mean being comfortable. I’m navigating finding what version of me feels in alignment with who I’m becoming. 

I hope this episode is insightful. Feel free to share if you relate and how.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hey y'all, this is your girl Brianna at the Divine Intervention Podcast where I try my best to make space and learn how to take up that space. I'm honestly just laying down and chilling. Earlier I tried to record an episode and it didn't go the best. So I took that as a sign that maybe I need to s I needed to sit and really think on what I wish to share.

SPEAKER_01 0:38

Lately, the past two months I have been really deep into just self-work.

SPEAKER_00 0:51

Personal reflection and being a little bit more mindful with the way that I think about things, how I approach them. And I've been noticing a lot of habits and behavior that I have. Habits that I really have been working to, you know, catch myself when I'm in a in a mindset that used to be like a cycle for me. And I guess the best way that I can tell this this story or provide a framework is that I start with the month of May and then we can work to June since it's the end of June. These past two months have been filled with a lot of reflection for me.

SPEAKER_01 1:43

I feel like for May my two primary things I wanted to work on.

SPEAKER_00 1:53

Um, I don't even want to say to work on, I wanted the month of May for me to reflect abundance and prosperity. And to put you in the mind frame of where I was at when I came up with this, I had just moved from Mississippi to Little Rock and well Jackson, Mississippi to Little Rock, and you know, I moved to hate cash, and immediately my mind was just on like how we finna re-up, like how we finna get back, whatever, whatever, whatever. And throughout the month of May, I found myself really challenging, really challenging my relationship with the words abundance and prosperity and what they mean. Of course, I started off at the beginning of the month focusing on finances, money, cash, you know. I think a lot of times when we talk about those two words, that's that's the way or the context in which you think about them. And the more that I work through the month, the more that I realized that if I was going to step into, you know, a new chapter of my life, I was gonna have to work on my relationship with just different areas of my life. I was gonna have to rethink the way that I previously thought about things, and about halfway through the month, I realized I woke up one day, and I realized that you are kind of living in the moment that you prayed for months ago, and not only that, you're experiencing the friendships that you prayed for when you were like a little girl, like you're experiencing experiencing community in the way that you dreamed of, and I think about halfway through May, I really started to just shift my mindset of how I was viewing the words abundance and prosperity because I feel like I realized that I was focusing so much on these words in a financial concept or financial way that I wasn't realizing that you have abundance and prosperity in so many other areas of your life, and you're focusing on the area that I don't want to say that matters the least because y'all money, you gotta pay your bills, but I I had to realize that like your basic needs are taken care of, like you are okay, you were able to move. There are a lot of people that they they they are not able, and I found myself really questioning this desire for like more, more, more and why do you need more if you're able to meet or was able to meet what you need. Or even I started to ask myself, you know, months ago, you wanted something that could give you a like a fresh start. You wanted to because I'm gonna be honest, the end of 2025 for me, I was really just sitting with myself and trying to work through a lot of stuff with myself, like my relationships with different areas of my life, and why did I view them that way? Why did I view myself that way? And in the conversation of abundance and prosperity, I feel like the month of May, by the time I got to the end of it, I realized that I have an overflow in so many areas of my life. But when you focus in so much on where you perceive yourself to lack, you realize the other areas where you lack when you focus in so much on the areas where you perceive or yourself to lack, you don't realize that you are more than at full capacity of what you need. And I guess that that kind of takes me into the month of June. My themes or my two focus points for the month of June were were or are because we still in June, I'm not gonna kick June out the way. Authenticity and attraction, and it was authenticity and attraction because coming into the month, I really wanted to make sure that whatever I'm building, it's something that feels authentic to myself, that I am showing up authentically as myself, and I feel like the way that that has taken form for me this month is learning how to navigate, stepping into a new chapter, a new path, a new space where I'm able to create the version of myself that I feel the most where are my words creating the version of myself that I feel the most aligned with right now. And I know in my last episode, I think I talked a little bit about how especially in stepping into a new space um for work, one of the biggest things for me was um dressing and or like professional wear. And it's because to know me is to know that I I love expressing myself through the way that I present myself, which is why I love jewelry, I like changing my hair, I like trying on like different outfits, different styles. Like to know me is to know I could probably go through like five different categories of like Pinterest post, like Pinterest boards in the course of a week, and it's just because I dress how I feel. Um, but my style is also very laid back, like it's very street where I show a lot of skin, and I'm currently in a space where I I can't necessarily do that, and so I feel like I've been having to learn how to feel like myself while also meeting the where are the words, but also meeting the standard of of what I'm being asked to be, and I remember having a conversation with my therapist about it because I was just like, girl, I was like, it it may sound childish, but like that's that's that's really it's really hard for me. And she was talking to me and she was just like Brian, it's not it's not childish, it's more so like a an area that you kind of you're gonna have to find your way because and the example she used is I'm sure there's another area of your life where you were extremely uncomfortable until you kind of found your footing or like found your your your thing. And when she said it, I immediately thought about like college and when I first got to college and that experience for me because it was it was honestly a lot. Like my my first year was a lot for me, and I feel like by my second year, I was like, okay, like you you have your footing a little bit, but I always tell people by the time I feel like I really found my footing in college, it was time for me to go, and I was like, bro, I finally feel like I somewhat understand what's going on. Um, so yeah, I think I'm currently in a space of just trying to navigate stepping into a version of myself that feels more aligned with where I'm at now because I feel like life is meant to be lived out in the open not in your mind or like in caution, and I think that in the past I've definitely been more of a cautious person because when I've tried to be open, I didn't feel like it really worked out the best to me, it actually worked out the best for me, but you know, you don't really realize things when you're in it, you don't realize it until you're out of it, um, and you have that time to reflect. And yeah, I just want to make sure that the way that I'm showing up feels authentic in all the ways of the word, but moving on to attraction, because that was my second word for the month. Something that I noticed about myself is that I have a habit of to know me is to know I'm a busybody. I'm a re recovering busybody. I I'm I'm I'm I'm working on it. Um but it's it has always been really hard for me to sit down somewhere, and so lately I've been in a state of just trying to slow myself down, um reminding myself that when I'm in the middle of doing something that I I really don't have to be moving so quickly to do, that I have room to take my time. Everything isn't urgent, everything isn't something that requires you to rush to complete or to consume you. It's it's not that it ain't that deep. I've I've been in a state of really just focusing on allowing what's for me to come to me, for it to make its way for me instead of me grasping and trying to like find things to to grab a hold of, to make sense of. And in it, I've noticed, even in I can use work as an example, because being in your early 20s is such a odd place because we're in a place right now where there are like some younger people that are like coming in for the summer or whatever, and it's interesting because being a young person is or being a 20 in your 20s is realizing that you're not as young as you were, but you're still not older, like you you still have a ways to go because you're just getting started, but it's like you're getting started without your training wheels. That's that's the best way I can describe the way I've been feeling lately. Um, and so it's even noticing the difference and how like older people navigate things, situations versus younger people, and when I say that, I say it in a way of it also tickles me because I remember, I remember, I don't remember the exact mindset I was in when I was around like the age of 17, 18, but I do remember just being frustrated with everything. I felt like what's the what's the point? And I can give like a mini little flashback to add context. When I was 17, that was like my senior year, and I had this job, right? So I wake up at 4 a.m. and I would like open this store. It was like a gas station, but they sold breakfast, all of that. So I'll get up about 3, 4 a.m., put on some clothes, um, drive up there, open the store by myself. Um, so I basically go in there, lock the door behind me, clean, do all the things, cook all the food, fix the coffee, make sure everything was stocked. Um, sometimes I would clean the bathrooms, really just preparing the store for the day. That was like my job before I would go to class. And I remember in the midst of it, really just just feeling frustrated because at this time I would get up, I would do all that, whatever, whatever. My pay was probably like $7.25, $7.25 per hour. And so by the time, of course, by the time you get the paycheck, it's not looking like nothing. You feel like you just done you feel tired, but you also feel like what is this for? And I feel like my senior year, that that's where I felt about a lot of things. I was just I was wondering what a lot of things was for, and I was I was genuinely curious, and I've always been the type of person where I sit with God and I'm I'm really just like you know, big gangster. What is this about? You feel me? Because I'm the type of person when I have conversations with God, it's very informal, it's very informal because I feel like I'm a very somewhat of an informal person. That's also something I struggle with navigating professional spaces, but I feel like that's a conversation for another day. Um, because me naturally at heart, I'm I'm kind of informal, you know. Me and cuss words are are like we I'm working on it. And I feel like I noticed, especially when I was younger, there are a lot of things that I really would just wonder, what is this for? Why is this happening? And I see it a lot in like having conversations with younger people now, and I have enough context to let them know that it's for a reason. But if you were to ask me the reason, I still don't I don't have enough context yet to fully let you know the reason. But I also feel like in life, the context that's needed, you kind of have to fill in that blank yourself when you get there. Like there are a lot of things I feel like when I look back on them from when I was 17, 18, all of all the whatever, I can I can now fill in the context of why I was dealing with certain things or why I was experiencing them. That's a better word. I don't like the word dealing with. Um, and I can now tell you the purpose behind it, even if I'm still not that fond of the experience itself. I know that it was for a reason and that it was it was teaching me something. Um, and seeing like navigating with younger people and seeing them navigate situations with those questions, it's just like, what is what is the point of this? Like, what is what is this, what is that? And of course, you're still making sense of things. And I feel like that's where I still am. And then seeing older individuals, they don't mind the best way I can put it is going a little slower and figuring out what is best, or even having the mind space of even if it takes a little longer, I would rather take a little longer and put my best foot forward than finish something quicker, and it's not something that I'm fully confident in, if if that makes sense, and so I've really just been trying to find myself in the art of not rushing, like the art of I guess the word of attraction, of like allowing what's meant for me to make its way to me. Because I think something I'm I also found out throughout the month of June is that there are so many situations I was in that when I stopped trying to find a solution and I would just go about my day, and like when I would choose to not let something stress me out, I kid y'all not. A solution popped up every single time. Like, I can't make this up so much so that even when things would randomly like just go crazy, like one day, I'll use this as an example. I was talking to um my dad about it and I laughed. I was like, one day I got to the house and I had to like change clothes and go back out for like another event. And I was making a cup of coffee. Yum, I was actually taking my time making the cup of coffee. In my head, the voice in my head was saying, You do not have to rush, it's okay, like you're okay. Just make you know, make your coffee. Yum, I still waste this whole cup of coffee on myself. I still waste this whole cup of coffee on myself. After it took me probably like five, five, ten minutes to pick an outfit. Because every outfit, whenever I was putting on clothes, I was just like, uh, this is this is not this this is not working. And I finally filled in the outfit, and I was like, fine, we're gonna do this. And y'all, I split that whole cup of coffee all over myself. I wish I could make it up. It was all over the counter, it was all over the floor. I even had to scrub the inside of the counter. Like, I was just like, bruh, like I had to open the the shelves, and I had to like scrub the inside of the counter. And when it happened, I laughed a little bit, and I laughed because I was like, you literally told yourself not to rush, and you didn't rush, and you still wasted because I'm I'm clumsy, and the only thing I gathered from that happening is I was like, okay, maybe you weren't supposed to go to this particular event. Maybe you were saved from something, you know, like whatever, whatever. I feel like me a couple of months ago though, I would have been so frustrated. I would have been very not even a couple of months ago. I feel like me about a year ago, I would have been pissed off. A couple of months ago, I would have had some level of leeway. I would have just been like, you know what, breacharge to the game.

SPEAKER_01 21:48

But I think that I've just been trying to make not trying. To move so fast, a part of my routine.

SPEAKER_00 22:07

And I don't know, it's it's been hard, and the fact that it's been like hard tells me that I've been in like sport mode this whole time, and that's that's a lot to process, like it's a lot to process when you realize that you've been in like 2x time this whole time when you could have just you you could have been taking your time, like there's no reason to treat everything like it's urgent when it's when it's really not urgent. And I don't know, I've just been feeling very I've been in a state lately where I've been having to figure out, or not even having to figure out, I've been having to feel and sit in things because I think that another big part of rushing is when you're always on your way to something or you're doing something or you're moving, or by the time you finally sit, you're resting. The reality is that there's in there's this feeling in when you have to sit, um, and when you do have to rest, and when you do have to go slow, that almost feels like uneasy. And I guess another story I could think of is when I was driving from Little Rock, well, from Jackson to Little Rock, it's a four-hour drive, but I was driving a U-Haul with my car attached on the back, so it made a four-hour drive, six hours. And the U-Haul people told me, Brianna, you can't go faster than 55, right? I told them I'm just gonna push 50 because I don't even got time to have I don't I don't want to figure out what happened when I go past 55 because I'm the type of person the music starts sounding too good. Now I'm pushing 60 and I, you know, I'd rather just go five underneath or five below, so I don't gotta worry about all that. When I tell y'all the first after the first 15 minutes, I was like, boy, this is gonna be a long drive. Like I've never in my that's the story. When I was learning how to drive, my my grandfather was making me drive like five miles an hour, y'all. Can't make it up. I could tell you every book that was on the ground, but that's how I felt on the way from Mississippi to Little Rock. Like, I started noticing things I never noticed before, like landmarks, buildings, creeks, bushes, trees. I was like, oh, that's a very interesting looking. I just started to notice things that I did not notice at first. But I also realized that after the first after the first 15 minutes, I was frustrated because I was like, man, this is really slow. But after I got about 30 minutes in, I feel like a part of me just accepted that like this is what your this is just what your day is gonna be, so you might as well just like enjoy the ride and not focus so much on the destination because girl, it's you this you haul and your car attached on the back. This is just your day at this point. And I feel like by the time I made it, I went through so many different phases, even on the journey of the drive. Like it was the phase of you're frustrated because you're driving slow, and then you get in the rhythm of it. So I got to the point where I was just singing songs, like I was having a great time. I'm noticing cars, I'm paying attention to the stickers on the back, like I'm just I'm in the U-Haul vibing. And by the time I made it here, and I think this goes back to the part about abundance and prosperity for the month of May. I was at first I was worrying about like when I get here, like how am I finna unload? This is that and the third. I pull up, and people that they probably only made me once are already there, and they're just like, okay, yeah, we're here to help you unload everything. And in that moment, I realized I was just like, when you don't worry about things and you like trust and you actually ask for help, that's a very important piece. I'm still learning how to do that, and you actually ask for help, you you'll be surprised at the way things kind of just work themselves out. And I think these past two months, I've said all that to say, I've just been in a state of realizing like my habits, habits that I well let me back back, they ain't my habits because I don't claim that no more. Habits that I was practicing that weren't necessarily the best for me, mindsets that I was in that wasn't necessarily the best for me, and now I'm just in a space of rethinking just all the words like abundance, prosperity, what does that look like? I I realized that I wanted to see changes in the way that I approached a lot of things, the way that I define a lot of things, it started to make me rethink the word authentic and authentic authenticity, yes, that is how you say it, and what that means for me now, and not allowing myself to be so wrapped up in who I have known myself to be that I don't allow myself to become who I'm supposed to be, or I don't even like the word supposed to, become who is to become who or what is in alignment with where I'm at right now, and then for attraction, learning to just be and not do to learn to rest and and know how to sit in that rest without feeling uneasy, and sitting in the uneasiness to realize what you're uneasy about or even just feeling it instead of moving so you don't have to feel it. And yeah, that's that's been my past months. I feel like that's a complete reflection, but also on habits and attraction and abundance and prosperity, it it also made me realize that I really get now like when a parent will be like, Do you got McDonald's money and we got we got this at home? Because one of the things on my vision board for 2026 is to stop spending money on S I Don't Need, and that's literally what it says. I've literally been in a state of you got that at home, like you can either make that at home, you have it at home, or you don't need that, which has also been a complete switch because I think my mentality for the past few years had been or was you work hard, so like if you want something, you you deserve to have what you want, which is very much true, but I think it's a very slippery slope because then I would just start getting myself stuff, and it's like girl, what do you deserve this for? You don't even really need that, and you're not gonna use it after the next two months, like you just out here just doing stuff, so it's I don't know, lately I've just been in a state of really just just rethinking a lot of a lot, and it is a very uneasy feeling because it's the feeling of, and I've been listening to a lot of I think her name is Lisa Marie. I think her name is Lisa Marie, she is amazing, she's on YouTube. I love her videos, and one of them was talking about the feeling of being like in the betweenness of who you were and then who you're becoming, and you changing habits and the way that you show up and how it feels because I don't when I'm talking about like a new chapter and a new path, I have no idea what my life is going to look like, or what I would like for it to look like, or at this point I'm kind of just enjoying the ride and trusting that I'm where I'm supposed to be, and that the rest of all of that stuff will work itself out if I'm gonna be completely transparent. I've been in a full state of just learning how to trust every everything, but also and especially myself. And yeah, it's just a very that's hard when you're somebody that's very like you like the the tangible things and you like what you can see, and then you have to start practicing trusting what you cannot see. Um but I also feel like I've been in a in a big state of reminding myself whenever I get whenever the the the nerves try to find me, I just be like, you've never worried about that, you've never been in a situation that has not worked itself out, and even if it didn't work itself out in the way that you wanted it to, it worked out in the way that literally was the best for the whole situation because it got you to where you are now, and life is literally a a loop of karma because every decision you make leads you to the next thing, and it led me here. So obviously, it you know, it probably just taught me a lesson I needed to know, and I think I've just been in a state of soaking that in and honestly just learn, just learning. Some days are better than others, but that's life, anyways. If you've made it this far, thank you for listening. I hope you have a lovely day. Go drink some water, go touch a tree, go volunteer somewhere. I don't know. Go go be great, and thanks for tuning in.